stargateficrec | I Always Hoped You Knew, by Kathy Nahill (PG-13)

Rec Category: Sam and Daniel friendship

Pairing: none
Categories: Sam and Daniel friendship, Samantha Carter, Daniel Jackson, episode related, angst
Warnings: canon character death, language
Author on LJ: unknown
Author's Website: Kathy at Heliopolis
Link: I Always Hoped You Knew

Why This Must Be Read: In I Always Hoped You Knew, Kathy takes us through Meridian through Sam's eyes, from the moment they stepped through the gate until the moment she sat down at Daniel's bedside, telling him how much he meant to her. Along the way, we get to revisit, together with Sam, the precious moments that Sam and Daniel have shared over the past five years… and the pain that Sam feels at knowing that she has to say good-bye.

Emotionally satisfying, with neat segues from memory to current crisis, I Always Hoped You Knew is a lovely fic that showcases many of Sam and Daniel's best scenes in the first five seasons, as well as showing us Meridian from a unique perspective.

Janet had warned me. As I made my way to the infirmary level, she stopped me in the hallway. She wanted to be sure I was prepared for the changes I would find when I went into Daniel's room. I can't say she didn't tell me about the bandages, the dried blood on his lips, the bloodshot eyes. She had tried to tell me more but I cut her off, thinking I knew what to expect. I was so wrong. Nothing, no one could have prepared me...

I'm standing in the doorway to his room when the smell of disinfectant and recycled air hits me. It's mixed with something I can't identify, probably some kind of topical medication impregnated into the gauze in which they've wrapped him. If he were able, I can just imagine the comments he'd make about being an archaeologist and mummies and comeuppances. I almost smile thinking about it but then I remember that he isn't able, that he can't talk anymore, and that he'll probably never talk again. My breath catches in my throat and I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. Dad should be here soon. Selmac will be able to use the healing device and Daniel will be fine. He has to be fine. What will we do without him? What will I do without him?

I take a step into the room, still not sure what to say. Janet was encouraging, telling me that he can hear me, that it's important I talk to him. She didn't come right out and say so, but I knew she wanted each of us to have a chance to say good-bye. Teal'c said he'd be back in a few minutes. He wanted to go collect something from his room. I think he wanted to give me some privacy as well, and I appreciate it, but this is too hard. Doesn't saying good-bye imply that you've given up hope? How can I say good-bye when it feels like I just said hello?