Hives, Hiccups, and Sprains, by Aimless (PG-13)

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Rec Category: Humor
Pairing: none
Category: humor, gen, Jack O'Neill, team, Janet Frasier
Warning: brief mention of nudity
Author on LJ: unknown
Author's Website: Aimless at the The Grove
Link: Hives, Hiccups, and Sprains

Why This Must Be Read: "Colonel," the General began in the same eerily calm voice he had used only an hour ago, "get the hell off of this planet."

One of Jack O'Neill's many talents is his unbelieveable ability to annoy people. :) While this can certainly have its uses - on the show, we see time and time again how he deliberately distracts SG-1's captors to get them to focus their attention on him instead of "his kids" - there are all too many times when it backfires on him. In this delightful little story, Jack manages to annoy the wrong person, and all of the SGC suffers the consequences.

The story opens with an irritated Jack trying to drag Daniel away from a gathering of natives. When Shaman, the young girl who guides her people, is offended by Jack's attitude, she does... something. Jack seems unaffected, but SG-1 discovers the hard way that their CO's very presence is suddenly quite dangerous. The ensuing chaos ranges Sam's initial broken nail to a fall up the stairs, surgery to remove a cue ball from a hapless airman's mouth, pink mittens over Daniel's itching hands, an exploding light bulb and Siler's wrench (naturally), an unloaded gun going off... and, of course, don't forget the Jaffa hiccups.

No, the story isn't crack!fic, although rereading the previous paragraph might make a person think otherwise. :) The humor is not overly broad, but inherent in the situation and our characters' reactions to events. Characterization and dialogue are wonderfully intact. Particular highlights include the scene in Hammond's office, the automatic (and accurate) assumption that Daniel-the-linguist can translate "gobbledygook," and Jack's final penance, complete with eeeevil revenge.

Hands on hips, Janet surveyed the scene. Sam looked just as irritated as Daniel sounded. Teal’c stood straight and tall, stoic as ever, and…was that a bit of a blue tint around his lips?

"Teal’c, breathe, for heaven’s sake! Holding your breath will NOT cure the hiccups."

"Yes, Dr. Fra…*hiccup*…Dr. Fraiser."

Jack looked like he was having fun teasing Daniel, and Daniel…Daniel was making a valiant attempt to remove the greater part of his dermal layer with his fingernails.

"Stay." Janet marched out of the room only to return a few short moments later with a fresh bottle of calamine lotion. Instead of immediately applying the pink lotion to Daniel’s many remaining hives, she placed the bottle on the bedside table and reached into her jacket pocket. "Hands," she ordered in a tone that would allow no room for debate.

Daniel complied and after a series of lightning-quick movements, he found his hands covered with…pink mittens. They were thickly padded and made of the softest material he had ever felt. He remembered seeing Cassie wearing them only a few months ago when the teen had come down with Chicken Pox. He knew there was no point in arguing with the doctor when she was in what Jack liked to call her ‘Napoleonic Power Monger’ mode, so he satisfied himself with the thought that he would be able to remove the snug mittens as soon as her back was turned.

As if reading his thoughts, Janet reached under a small fold in the fabric at the wrist of each mitten, pulled out two ends of a string, tightened them around each wrist, tied them in an intricate knot, tucked them back under the fold of the fabric, and then manipulated the string within the fold until the knot was well away from its opening. There was no way Daniel would be able to reach the knot let alone untie it.

Janet saw Daniel’s face flush a shade of red that even the Crayola Crayon Company would envy for its brilliance. "If you keep scratching, you’re going to get an infection. Do you really want that?"

Daniel lowered his head. "No, ma’am," was the nearly imperceptible reply.

A poorly stifled and extremely juvenile laugh made the Doctor whirl around to face the Colonel. "I’m sure you have something else you could be doing right about now."

O’Neill unconsciously snapped to attention. "Yes, ma’am," he replied before turning and all but running out of the room.

"I will *hiccup* retire to my quarters to *hiccup* meditate in Kel’no…*hiccup*…Kel’no’reem in an attempt to*hiccup*" Teal’c’s shoulders slumped in defeat.

"Go, Teal’c," the Doctor softly ordered with a sympathetic expression.

Wordlessly, Teal’c turned to leave. When he reached the door he surprised himself and everyone else by releasing a loud, long belch. Wide-eyed, he turned back to the room. "Excuse me *hiccup*" He resumed his slouched posture and hurried out.

Daniel breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you for getting rid of Jack, Dr. Fraiser."

Janet smiled and nodded her acknowledgement before crossing the room to Sam’s bed. "How are you feeling today, Sam? I hear you’ve had a run of bad luck."

Sam smiled and nodded.

"Is your speech any better this morning?"

Sam shrugged her shoulders.

"CAN you speak?" Fraiser was beginning to become frustrated with her friend’s unwillingness to cooperate.

Sam nodded.

"Open," Janet ordered. She noted the large amount of swelling that remained in Sam’s tongue. "You know, Sam, as a doctor examining your injuries, I really need to hear you speak."

Sam glanced in Daniel’s direction.

"You’re worried about what Daniel will say?" Janet looked to the man in question and nearly laughed outright as he froze, caught trying to remove the mittens with his teeth. "Daniel won’t say word. Will you, *Daniel*?" She stressed his name in warning that he’d better provide the proper answer.

In lieu of a verbal response, Daniel merely looked incredulously at the two women and held up his pink-mitten-clad hands.