Losses, by Jb (PG)

[sg-fignewton.livejournal.com]

Rec Category: Janet Fraiser

Pairing: none
Category: Janet Fraiser, Daniel Jackson, gen, episode related, angst
Warning: none
Author on LJ: unknown
Author's Website: Jb at The Tablet
Link: Losses

Why This Must Be Read: Any story by Jb is going to run high on emotion and intensity. Losses is no exception to that rule, as Janet, in first-person POV, deals with the painful legacy of, well, Legacy.

Legacy has spawned a thousand fanfics; most of these, naturally, emphasize the hurt/comfort aspect. I like Danny-whumping as much as the next Daniel fan <bg> but I really don't like the "pathetic Danny whimpers" type of fic. This short story, by Jb, is a far cry from pitiful Daniel - and infinitely more powerful for it. The twist of having the story told wholly from Janet's POV gives the familiar territory a fresh flavor.

In this fic, an angry, fully-in-control Daniel confronts Janet in the aftermath of the episode, forcing her to recognize just what she's lost because of that hasty, faulty diagnosis. Jb's characters are always very real, and their small pains seem much more intense and realistic than the enthusiastic over-whumping so many authors like to inflict. Jb clearly shows us Janet's pain, as well as her determination to get back what she's lost.

All of Jb's stories are wincingly good; dialogue is spot-on, characters are drawn finely and surely, and you can't help but feel for them. This story, like all of Jb's fics, is well worth reading.

"Please, Daniel." Ah. He closes his eyes, and I gently rub his arm. "Let me help to put this behind you."

He laughs then. It’s not a nice laugh, and abruptly all pretense is dropped. He’s angry and frustrated and hurt and it’s all showing on his face now. "Put it behind me? What, like put it out of my mind… just forget it?"

He’s not just angry, he’s very angry. "Like you were ready to let MacKenzie lock me away forever so you could put me out of your mind?" The words are hurtful not only for him. His accusation stabs through me like a sharp spear, and even though I realize that it’s an expression of his pain I can’t help but feel that his words are unjustified and cruel.

"No…" I start to protest;  I want to say that I would never forget about him, but he’s not going to let me. Now that I’ve pushed him into talking to me he’s going to make me pay for it.

"No… you, no. Tell me that I’m wrong. Tell me that if I hadn’t have come into direct bodily contact with Teal’c and that thing hadn’t left me… go ahead, tell me that I wouldn’t be locked up there for the rest of my life. Tell me that if Teal’c hadn’t of got sick you ever would have believed in me. Tell me what you were going to do to help me."

He stares at me, his face flushed with anger, but it’s what’s in those eyes, those incredibly expressive eyes, that says it all. There’s fear there, and terrible betrayal. What can I say? There is nothing to say, because he’s right. Barring any miracles he would still be there today, being driven into an ever-increasingly dim world of insanity, a world filled with horrifying visions and paranoia which no amount of forcible restraint and drugs could ever touch. He knows it.

At the start, there was only one of Macello’s Goa’uld-killing organisms and if it had stayed in Daniel, how aggressively would we have pursued the reasons for his illness? Sure, we might have dabbled a bit, mostly to please the very distraught rest of SG1, but deep in my heart I know that’s about it.

And yes, deep in my heart I know that eventually, with regret, I would have put him and his fate and his torment behind me.

He sees that. His pupils are huge as he watches me struggle both with his words and my thoughts. I watch him as he sees that admission on my face and I imagine – I hope – that he acknowledges the pain it causes me to realize that he is right.